Carry On, Warrior

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I read in Carry On, Warrior that everyone is doing their best. And I try to remember that; often I succeed and it tempers the judgements and foul-thoughts directed at people who truly challenge the belief that “everyone is doing their best”.

 

My daughter is doing her best. She rocks it actually. She’s incredible and smart and vibrant and she will change the world.

 

I don’t always do my best. Sometimes I need to hide behind the pretense of alright-ness. Sometimes I need to eat my way through the day so that I am too busy with making meals and eating them to actually deal with pressing needs critical to my daughter’s well-being.

 

Sometimes, facing it makes me so weak I can’t hold up the phone; can’t open my mouth to speak.

 

Fortunately, most of the time, I am a warrior. I put my red boots on and let them do the walking because I know, God help me, I know I can’t walk on my own. Somehow these boots are magical….I wore them during labour and provided a comical delight to the nurses working the night shift on that blessed night that my daughter was born.

 

Today, I don’t even want to put the boots on. Because they make me do things and I don’t want to do things that force me to admit that more needs to be done.

 

So I came here to own these feelings because I know that owning them heals them; and strengthens me.  I hope that if you too, like me, need boots sometimes, you will find them.

A.

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